


Caribbean Holiday of the Daleks

by rivendellrose



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, silliness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 19:50:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9139732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rivendellrose/pseuds/rivendellrose
Summary: Written for LJ user miss_arel, probably in a fit madness, and posted on Livejournal back in October of 2007.





	1. Chapter 1

Time travel was not a native concept to the Daleks. The technology, stolen from the Time Lords, was still unfamiliar and somewhat unpredictable for them. And if the system was occasionally ‘exciting’ for its original inventors, well...

“AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!”

Sploosh. Sploosh.

Sploosh.

...It could be downright dangerous for a Dalek.

“MY FUNCTIONS ARE IMPAIRED! MY FUNCTIONS ARE IMPAIRED!!!”

“You’re in the water, you idiot. Of course you’re impaired.” Dalek Sec splashed miserably next to his rapidly-sinking compatriots. Their attempted escape seemed to have failed rather drastically - appearing in mid-air above some... abominably huge body of liquid water. Liquid water was banned on Skaro. Dalek Sec could now understand why - the remaining members of the Cult of Skaro were barely managing to keep their eyepieces above the water, their thrusters alternately firing and then sputtering into helpless silence, doused by the disgusting alien liquid.

“CALLING FOR ASSISTANCE--”

“There’s no one here but a bunch of primitive apes, you fool.” Sec flailed as a wave splushed over his head, and spat seawater. “Just keep quiet a moment while I think, both of you. And whatever you do, don’t discharge your weapons! You could electrocute all of us.”

“AN INFERIOR LIFEFORM IS ATTACKING DALEK SEC!!!”

Sec blinked, then looked up. Ah. Something green and slimy hung in his eye. “It appears to be a piece of plant matter.”

“INFERIOR LIFEFORMS MUST BE EX--”

“No! Don’t fire!!!”

Both inferior Daleks burbled slightly, but held their fire.

“WHAT COURSE OF ACTION SHOULD WE PURSUE?!”

“Just hold on, just--wait. I hear something. There’s something... some kind of craft is approaching.”

The lights on Dalek Thay’s armor brightened - this, at least, was a situation for which it was trained. “INFERIOR LIFEFORMS MUST--”

“Not this time,” Sec interrupted tightly. “This time, we’re going to play nice for a while. Once we’re safely out of this... water... then we shall exterminate them. And not before,” he added, recognizing that Jast and Caan were looking a bit shifty about the whole thing. Well... as shifty as they could while burbling and struggling not to sink. They would be trouble, he knew it... but for the moment, he had more pressing concerns.

The ship that appeared before them was... primitive, but oddly appealing to Sec’s mind. For one thing, it was all green and slick, organic and therefore inferior, but... it reminded him rather of a Dalek without armor, and in that it was impressive.

“Man overboard!” Sec heard someone shout aboard the vessel, and the call was picked up by a chorus of other voices, rough and hoarse in a comfortingly familiar fashion. And after a moment, a rope flew from the ship and fell with a solid thwack onto the water beside Sec. He grabbed on, wrapping it around his arm and holding tight.

“There are four of us here!” he shouted.

“Grab on to’em, then, and wait ready to be pulled aboard!”

Sec considered this for a moment, then swam awkwardly over to Thay and tied the rope around the upper part of his armor, looping it through the grillwork so it would stay. Then he did the same for Caan and for Jast. Then he waited as they were slowly towed to the large vessel, and heaved up aboard.

“By the De’il himself, you lot sure are heavy,” someone grumbled as Sec cleared the railing. Sec ignored the voice long enough to spit more sea water back over the edge, and then turned to their unwitting rescuers, who... were not at all frightened by his appearance, because they themselves looked just as unlike to normal Humans.

“My... compatriots and I are... visitors to your world,” Sec offered, attempting to be gracious. “We, ah... seem to have lost our way.”

“Ye’ve lost more than that, me boys,” a booming voice announced. “Ye’re on the ship of Davy Jones! Death or the locker will ‘ave ye now!”

“The... locker?” Sec turned for a moment to Thay, who was just now being heaved up over the edge, and whom the unusual Humans were regarding with significant uncertainty.

“Aye, the locker. D’ye not know who I am?”

“No, I surely...” Sec turned back to the voice, and was astonished to find himself facing... a figure most like in appearance to himself. Different, surely - this creature was a sickly greenish hue, for one thing, like his ship, and his tentacles were all in the wrong alignment and entirely too long, but... but... “Who are you?”

“I am Davy Jones! The master of the sea, and the captain of the ship of the dead!”

“But... we’re not dead.”

The crew scuttled forward somewhat, and one of them sniffed in his general direction. Behind Sec, he heard Thay and Jast’s weapons begin to charge in defense.

“YOU WILL ACCEPT THE SUPREMACY OF THE DALEK SPECIES!!!”

That was Caan, of course. Sec closed his eye and took a deep breath. Caan always had been an idiot.

“The Dalek species?” The man before them - Jones he had said, and a suspiciously Human name that was - sputtered. “What are Daleks to me?”

Sec sighed. “I really wish you hadn’t asked that.”

“DALEKS ARE THE SUPERIOR SPECIES! WE WILL RULE THE UNIVERSE!!!”

“DALEKS WILL EXTERMINATE ALL INFERIOR LIFEFORMS, OR MAKE USE OF THEM FOR OUR DOMINATION!!!” Thay put in, clearly feeling left out of the proceedings.

“I’ll never get them to shut up, now. You’d better just hope they don’t--”

“EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!!!”

From three directions behind Sec, disruptor weapons discharged. Three of Davy Jones’ crew disappeared in puffs of smelly, slightly greasy smoke. Davy Jones’ claw tapped thoughtfully on the deck of his ship.

“Well... that is interesting...”

“Perhaps,” Sec began, stepping in front of his compatriots and raising his arms to signal the temporary abatement of their hostilities, “we should talk. Alone. My compatriots don’t take well to being surrounded, it... ignites certain instincts in our kind.”

“Y’are not dead, and y’aren’t of our realm, either, are ye?”

Sec took a distasteful look around him. Bright sunlight, endless, constantly moving blue water... disgustingly primitive denizens... “Not at all.”

“Then we shall parlay,” Jones agreed, nodding decisively, although his tentacles belied a certain internal struggle that Sec rather suspected he was unaware of displaying. “We shall discuss your... unique predicament, and come to a bargain how I might help ye... and how ye might help me.”

“DALEKS DO NOT BARGAIN. DALEKS ONLY--”

“That will be quite nice, thank you,” Sec interrupted, giving the three inferior Daleks a significant look. If they were to get off this appalling planet, they would need time to recharge their circuits and repair whatever had gone wrong with the emergency time-jump. This ship and its crew could provide that, Sec guessed. And in any event, they were more familiar, more... similar than any Humans he’d heard of before. They warranted investigation.

If nothing else, he wanted to know how a Human had come by such... very fine tentacles.


	2. Sand and Sun Are Not a Dalek's Idea of Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For her birthday, miss_arel requested a sequel to "Caribbean Holiday of the Daleks," with the continuing adventures of Daleks Sec, Thay, Jast, and Caan and their new friends, Davy Jones (of PotC) and co. aboard the Flying Dutchman. So I made that happen.

“I don’t understand,” Sec told Davy Jones. “You... ask _permission_ to kill these Humans?”

“Aye, well...” Davy considered this for a moment, his air-tube blubbing softly in the silence. “Not permission, exactly. I give them a choice. Death, or a hundred years’ service at my hand.”

“And after that?”

Davy popped his lips. 

“After the service, I mean,” Sec clarified. “After that, what happens to the Humans in your keep?”

“They die, of course! If they’ve not become part of the ship, and if they don’t make _another_ bargain with me to extend the contract, y’understand.”

“Ah, I see.” Sec nodded. “So it is impossible for them to escape. Very clever of you!”

Davy’s tentacles twisted and twined, and he popped his lips proudly. 

“But do not many of them see this, and die?”

“Humans _fear_ death. They fear judgment and pain and the laying-bare of their sins!”

Sec considered. “But... if they are dead, what can they fear?”

“You do not fear the afterlife?”

Sec leaned forward. “What is the afterlife?”

“DALEKS DO NOT FEAR DEATH! DALEKS FEAR NOTHING!!!” 

“Yes, thank you, Thay.” Sec sighed and patted the other Dalek’s dome in an absent-minded way. Thay’s eyepiece brightened, and then dimmed, and his gun-piece lowered as though ashamed. He’d been a bit sensitive ever since the incident with Sec’s transformation, poor fellow. “But Captain Jones, what _is_ this afterlife of which you speak?”

“Do not your people have stories of what comes after death?”

Sec thought carefully about this. As the leader of the Cult of Skaro, he had been given all the knowledge that all Daleks possessed, the whole of their history as a race, but he could think of nothing similar to this. “No,” he admitted. “I’ve never heard of it.”

“Then what of the people you kill? Do they not beg for _mercy?_ ”

“Oh, mercy.” Sec waved his hand. 

“DALEKS DO NOT KNOW MERCY! THAT WORD IS NOT INCLUDED IN OUR--”

“Suffice to say that we’ve never found much use for the concept,” Sec interrupted. Thay tended to get a little over-excited once he got off on one of his familiar rants. Davy had really been quite understanding about the loss of the three crewmen that Thay, Jast, and Caan had exterminated, but Sec had no desire to try his new friend’s hospitality more than was necessary. 

“They do not _beg?_ ”

Sec thought about this. “I suppose they don’t often have time to,” he admitted. 

“ _DALEK SEC! I HAVE BEEN TRAPPED!! CALLING FOR ASSISTANCE!!!_ ”

Sec sighed. “That’ll be Caan. It’s been almost fifteen leks since the last time he got in trouble...” 

Davy snorted - or perhaps it was a burble - and followed him out onto the deck of the ship, where they found Jast and Caan surrounded by an assortment of Davy Jones’ crew. Caan was on his side, his gun-barrel and suction-cup flailing helplessly in the air. 

“THIS SURFACE IS TOO UNEVEN! ASSISTANCE! ASSISTANCE!!! I HAVE OVERTURNED, AND I CANNOT RESTORE MYSELF TO VERTICAL POSITION!!!”

“Oh, for... just _elevate_ yourself, you fool.”

“ELEVATE!!!” 

Caan’s thrusters fired out of the base of his armour, causing the rest of him to skitter forward somewhat along the deck, while the various beings behind him scattered to avoid the blast. 

“Stop! Stop, all right, that wasn’t one of my best ideas!” Sec hurried forward and hoisted his compatriot upright. “There. You’re fine. Now... just stay in one place for a while, will you? You always get into a spot when you try to move - remember the bit with the stairs yesterday?”

If Caan didn’t, it was clear that Jones’ crew did - they all pulled back, muttering among themselves. 

“WHEN WILL WE LEAVE THIS PLACE?!” Jast asked. 

“I told you, as soon as our power cells are sufficiently recharged for another time-space jump.”

“MY POWER CELLS WERE DAMAGED IN OUR FALL!!!”

“Then the rest of us will just have to transport you along with us, won’t we?” Sec snapped. “If you don’t have anything useful to say, Jast, just _shut up_.”

“Where will ye go, when ye have the ability to leave us, then?” Davy asked, his tentacles twining thoughtfully.

“Another world,” Sec told him. “Someplace... more suitable to the Dalek design. Perhaps we will found a new Skaro, and start our species anew.”

“Another world...” Davy considered this. “Could ye not just stay in this one?”

“I’m afraid... that your world ill suits my compatriots,” Sec said as diplomatically as he could manage. It was rude, he suspected, to tell a person that their planet made one’s skin crawl. That the sun was too bright, the ground too uneven, and the water... well, the water was _water_ , and that alone was enough for a Dalek. The ship, at least, was better than the land, though, he had to grant Davy. The one time he and his compatriots had joined Davy’s crew on a shore mission had been a complete disaster. Sec hadn’t known that dirt - _sand_ , Davy had called it - could be so... pernicious. Thay was still trying to get the little grains out of his armor. “In any case, this is not our proper universe. We should return, and continue our efforts to restore the Dalek species to its rightful place in the galaxy.”

“And what is that rightful place?”

“DALEKS ARE THE SUPREME BEINGS IN THE UNIVERSE!” Thay replied. “WE WILL EXTERMINATE ALL UNLIKE CREATURES AND RULE AS THE SOLE SENTIENT LIFEFORM!!!”

“Indeed?” Davy Jones cast a thoughtful look at his ‘friends.’

“Well... you know.” Sec waved his hand. It had come to his attention, since taking on Human DNA, that some people didn’t particularly like the idea of being inferior, or of being exterminated. Unfortunately, his efforts to teach the other Daleks a bit of subtlety had gone about as well as if he’d tried to teach them to swim. “Everybody’s got to have a goal,” he offered.

“And yours, it seems, is supreme domination. Hmmm.” Jones did not appear to be at all deceived.

“Well, not _mine_ , exactly. It’s more like a... family business, you could say.”

“Hmph!” Davy drew himself up, his tentacles quivering. “If ye fear not death, and if ye desire to be the only people in this universe, then I say that we might have difficulties. Ye’d be lookin’ fair soon to put _me_ out of _my_ business. And I call that a problem.”

“But it won’t be _this_ universe. Or at least not this _world_ ,” Sec assured him quickly. “Believe me, Daleks have no desire to rule over this world!”

“THERE IS TOO MUCH WATER!” 

“AND TOO MUCH SAND!!!”

“Exactly so.” Sec nodded. “What could we do with this world? Nothing. Unless we built lots of ramps, of course, but... I’m getting ahead of myself. Of course you’d be welcome to keep _this_ world. We don’t want to get in your way!” He tried a laugh. It came out awkwardly, but Jones joined him after a moment. Jast, Caan, and Thay swiveled their eyepieces from one to the other, to each other, and back again. Sec dearly hoped they weren’t considering trying their hand at mutiny again. It had been so awkward, the last time.

“No,” he continued, “we’ll make a deal, just like I promised you last time. You take this world, and we’ll take... the ones that are more suited to our purposes.” 

This was a particularly useful ‘deal’ to make since Jones didn’t have interstellar capability, Sec thought. He’d never know how many worlds he was missing out on, or how uneven their bargain was. 

“And what if at some point in the future, ye’ decide that this place shall suit yer purposes as well, hmm?” Jones asked with a disturbingly insightful look in his eyes. 

“I give you my word as a Dalek,” Sec assured him.

“DALEKS DO NOT--”

“ _This_ Dalek does,” Sec snapped, throwing a supremely dirty look at Jast. “I am the leader of the Cult of Skaro, and if I say we deal, we deal. Do you accept?” 

Jones appeared to consider this, his tentacles swaying thoughtfully. “I do not trust these _friends_ of yours as far as I could throw them,” he began slowly. Sec couldn’t blame him for that. “But I do trust _ye_ to keep yer word. It sounds, Mister Sec, as though we have a bargain. Will ye shake on it?”

“Shake...?” 

“Shake hands!” Jones held out his hand. Sec stuck his out as well, uncertain, and was surprised when Jones clasped his hand in his own right hand, wrapping one of his tentacles around it all the way up to the wrist, and squeezed. 

“I... er... Thank you?” Sec shook his hand slightly after Jones released it. 

“Don’t be thankin’ me yet, boy. We’ve still got to get y’and yer friends off this world. And forgive me if I say I’m eager to do just that. Y’are not easy on a ship, and I hunger for the depths of the sea again.”

Sec nodded solemnly. Despite his failure last time, it seemed that this time he had achieved his goal of finding a human... well, a human _oid_ with whom the Daleks could cooperate, and for that he was grateful. Perhaps this signaled a turn in their luck. Perhaps now they would be able to rebuild Dalek society after a new pattern, a _better_ pattern. Perhaps--

“DALEK SEC! ONE OF THE INFERIOR LIFEFORMS CAUSED ME TO IMBIBE A FERMENTED LIQUID SUBSTANCE THROUGH MY VENTS!! MY FUNCTIONS HAVE BEEN IMPAIRED!!! MY FUNCTIONS HAVE BEEN IMPAIRED!!!”

Jones gave him a strange look. “Fermented... Cannot yer people even drink a bit of _rum_ without harm, then?”

Sec sighed. Perhaps it would be too much to hope for the Daleks not to cause trouble among humanoids, even if they _were_ of an unusual sort.


End file.
